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Finally we come to the magical topic of love… one which I’ve been avoiding for a long time because I thought it’s really complicated. But really, it is very simple. After banging my head on the wall for so many years, I’ve finally gained some insight to see past the surface complications – puppy love, teenage crushes, love triangles, adulterous affairs, chemistry, compatibility, trust, idealized love, ‘the One’, third parties, break-ups, make-ups, threesomes, lust instead of love, and a whole plethora of factors which complicate what should be a simple area of life. However, I can’t do justice to this topic with just one article… we need to break love down into its phases in order to tackle it effectively. So I’ll split the topic over a series from seeking love to having compatibility to making it last. Being a man, naturally my view will be skewed towards a male perspective. But I do understand the emotional issues women experience, so I’ll try to be fair to both sexes in my treatment of this topic.

What I see as the most common problems people are having with love are:

1. Not being able to find a partner.
2. Not being able to find a suitable partner.
3. Not being able to hold on to a suitable partner.

Let’s tackle these problems one by one and see whether we find answer…

Problem 1: Not being able to find a partner

Many people have the idea that ‘men should make the first move’. Heck, I believe that’s what has been ingrained in most men’s minds. So men are taught that they have to chase the women they want; they have to romance her, buy her flowers, write poetry, open doors, take her to dinner etc. And the act of doing so will cause her to fall in love with them. Regular guys truly believe they can WIN a woman’s heart this way. But that is sadly not the case… often a guy tries to win over a woman by making strange advances and usually falls flat on his face. Not that women don’t appreciate it; I’m sure they do enjoy the attention, but they aren’t going to love a guy just because he showers attention on her. If a woman is attractive, she may have dozens of suitors and more added everyday; all showering her with gifts and messages, trying to be her ‘friend’ and such. She can’t trust these men because she feels they are just trying to get her into bed. So regular guys must realize that trying to romance her before she has any interest in you is a waste of your time. A woman will love whomever she wants to love – she makes the choice. Each woman has her own preference and her own image of an ideal man. Some like their men tall; some like short, some like Adonis features – chiselled body, square jaw; some like their men to be big cuddly teddy bears. One woman’s fruit is another woman’s poison.

The idea that you can ‘romance her to win her heart’ is a false idea spun by fairytales and Hollywood magic. Ladies don’t throw hot water on me yet… let me prove this point with a simple visualization. Imagine… you arrive at work in the morning to find a bouquet of flowers sitting on your desk, a little note says, “You are the only woman for me – Love, your secret admirer.” After lunch, a gift-wrapped package appears on your desk. You carefully unwrap it. Inside lies a box of the most exquisite chocolates you have ever tasted! The little note reads, “Dessert for you, my sweet.” By now, your curiosity is burning, “Who is this mystery man sending me all these lovely gifts? Could it be James from marketing? That suave Adonis hunk… I’d sure like to tear my meat hooks into him; or maybe Alfred from accounting? That sweet gentleman… always brightens up my day with a laugh. Oh I’m dying to know who it is!”

So which one is it? It’s neither! It’s Toad-Man sitting in the next cubicle! He who snorts out his boogers and eats them back down; he who stuffs himself like there is no tomorrow; he who leers at you each time you pass his cubicle; he who keeps pornographic magazines under his desk with playmates he claims you share a remarkable resemblance with. Can you love him? Maybe if you try really, really hard. But why bother when there is James down the corridor and Alfred in the next section? So I rest my case… Women want to be romanced, but ONLY by men they like and desire.

In contrast, a large percentage of women have the idea that the only way to attract a guy is through their looks. So they put tons of effort into looking beautiful and sexy, and then they await the hordes of horny males to come rushing in. Yes, this works. From a female perspective, attracting men is just like marketing. You’ve got to design a nice cover to package the product because even if you’ve got the best biscuit in the whole world, a crappy cover won’t attract any customers. Silly customers would rather buy the crappy biscuit with the hot cover and suffer indigestion for life.

But what if a woman is not born pretty? Is there no hope left? Rubbish, of course there is. In this world, there is someone for everyone. There are people of varying levels of status, beauty, intelligence, and character. Definitely there is a match, but she might have to be proactive in searching for a partner. Traditionally, most women are taught to be passive and receptive. The proactive role was assigned to men. But nowadays, there are women who are not afraid to create opportunities to meet men they are interested in. Maybe she drops a box of cereal in the supermarket so that the handsome man next to her can pick it up. These proactive women seem to be more successful in man-hunting. Learn from them! We are also seeing the rise of the pretty boy or metrosexual male who is more passive and uses his looks to attract women. He spends hours on his hair and face and dressing himself up. So compared to the old days, the change in social condition is that the men are turning girly, and the women are pursuing relationships like males.

When men say, “I can’t find a girlfriend.” What they’re really saying is, “I’ve not been able to approach a woman I like who finds me attractive.” When women say, “I can’t find a boyfriend.” It means almost the same thing – “I’ve not been approached by a guy I like who finds me attractive.” You see, the dilemma is the same for both sexes. We’re just not approaching members of the opposite sex whom we find attractive.

What men need to understand is that just as how they select women by their looks before deciding to approach, women are conscientiously selecting their men. But not always by his looks… women have a more evolved sense of selecting an ideal partner, which takes into account personality, social status, intelligence, humour, entertainment ability and very important – money. Although they might deny, women do hunt for rich men. He’s the doorway to a life of comfort and luxury. I have heard many bitter stories of men who got ditched because she found a richer, better man. In the past, it used to be bitter stories of women who got ditched because the philandering man found a hotter woman. But ever since women developed financial independence and the man-hunting instinct, they are the ones doing the dumping. The problem with this is that the constant upgrading of partners is a selfish act, not based in love or commitment. False love is self-serving, true love is giving. If you’ve never sacrificed for your partner, you have not experienced love.

Last year, I received this email message from a friend:

[Used with permission]

—–Original Message—–
From: xxx xxx xxxx [mailto:xxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 1:06 AM
To: truth@lancism.com
Subject: relationships

hi rongzheng [If you don't know, this is my chinese name]

i saw what you have posted on your website very interesting and indulged in what you have posted. Moreover, I was quite surprised with you have wrote in the june edition of snag, you really impressed me with what you have wrote about cohesive relationships. It seem like your wisdom and knowledge have reached a new profound level…
recently i have encountered a problem. Maybe perhaps you can provide me a solution or ways to tackle this issue

i got to know this gal at my workplace, we know each other after i managed to get for her some stuff at staff price at my workplace.
we exchanged nos, and everthing started off very well. we talked a lot in our phone calls, sms each other often untill one particular incident that caused everything to turn… well a bit sour..
one of my colleague managed to call her and tell her that i missed her. OMG!! I was shocked. i immediately apologised to her and she managed to get over it, but then things seem to have died down after since,
now we rarely talk or sms, even so, now [when] i walked past her area,
she turned her head away and don’t look at me..oh man am i so depressed about this

well i do have a small crush on her but then things turned out this
way, i guess she might be avoiding me or don’t want to talk to me..

hai.could you provide me a solution or anything to rescue this complicated issue??

many thks
xxxxxxx

My reply follows below:

—–Original Message—–
From: Lance Ong [mailto:truth@lancism.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 4:32 AM
To: ‘xxx xxx xxxx’
Subject: RE: relationships

GREETINGS! MY FRIEND, MR XXXXXXX!

I see you have are having a vexing issue to solve. No problem, you’ve asked the right person! I will not only tell you why she is behaving this way, I will also tell you what you should do to regain her interest. In Singapore earlier this year, I have conducted a series of workshops on romance & dating. Many of our participants have finally been able to date the opposite sex, and some have already gotten attached.

You see… in every relationship, there comes a point in time where the stakes must be raised if you are ever going to get closer to each other. By the fact that the two of you were already talking a lot on the phone and SMSing each other often, is a good sign which shows there is mutual interest. Normally, a guy in that position who follows the correct sequence has a high chance of hooking up with the girl. The critical moment was when your colleague called her to tell her you miss her. If you think from a girl’s perspective… someone telling me that a guy I like actually misses me, is a good thing! It’s a very good thing because it’s obvious that this guy is signaling a romantic interest in me. But when you called her to apologize, it appears to her that you have withdrawn your declaration of romantic interest. To most girls, this is equivalent to a mild form of rejection – she was probably disappointed.

What you should have done at that point in time, is pretend as if nothing happened. Continue to smile and chat with her as normal, until she brings it up. If she does not, then you let it slide. But if she does one day stop you and ask about what your colleague said (this is the moment of truth), you can smile and be playful about it, but in the end you must admit you like her. This is called taking a Social Risk. You are putting your ego and reputation on the line for rejection. Women love it. They like it when a man they have interest in, is bold enough to say that he likes her.

Her current behaviour is a natural social response when there is tension in a relationship. She probably can feel that you have interest in her, but since you have officially signaled that you have no interest, she’s confused and doesn’t know how to move the relationship forward. At this stage, only you can make the difference between life and death of the romance. You must be strong, be bold, and be flirtatious. Be willing to take a social risk. The next time you pass her desk and she looks away (using her hair to block, right?), you must deliberately break through this ice-shield by stopping in front of her desk, calling her name, and initiating a chat. You would be wise to bring a gift. This is a clear indicator of romantic interest. Simply start with a regular chat:

You: “Hey [her name], how are doing?”
Her: “Good/fine.” (smiles)
You: “Hey you know what, I’ve only got a minute, but I need a lady’s opinion about something.”
Her: “Sure! What?”
You: “Do you think a man who is bold about what he wants to get in life, is more attractive to women?”

Here you have initiated a discussion about an interesting topic. Actually, any topic works, as long as you get her talking. The goal is to break the ice and warm-up the relationship. Keep your conversation going for as long as you can, switching to other topics as necessary.

If you reach a lull in your conversation (and I assure you, you will), say “Hey, I’ve got something for you.” Then magically pull out your gift. (Make sure it’s gift-wrapped – that’s what makes it special.) Say, “I was passing by this shop and… [Explain why you got the gift]” or “I made it myself!” There are thousands of things you could give her, but what’s most important is that you’re sure she’ll like it. Proper gift-giving shows that you remember what she likes, and that you have good judgement, attention to detail, and are generous.

This simple bold act is enough to spark the fires of romance. But you’ll need to keep building on this. A fire with no fuel eventually burns out. You may be thinking, “C’mon Lance, this is not my style!” I understand the fear. All men have it. But those who can overcome their own demons and face the knife of rejection will be pleasantly surprised to find that the woman of their dreams is happy that he was brave enough to do so.

Good luck, my friend!

This article will continue next week. We’ll explore what happens in another relationship, and look at what it takes to find a suitable partner.