Posted on December 8, 2007 - by Lance Ong

Competing With Others

Welcome back!

Something about the frantic pace of today’s society… people are always trying to get ahead of one another. You can hear them say, “Outdo the other guy; be better than them… this is a dog-eat-dog world.” Some people feel that they have to prove themselves to the world. To show that they have what it takes to be great. Only then can they feel good about themselves. So they work doubly hard, constantly comparing their success to that of others. “I can run faster than you, I’m more capable, more knowledgeable, richer, better-looking, and even my dog is cuter than yours…” But have you heard the Chinese saying, “With every mountain crossed, a higher mountain awaits”? If you believe you have to beat others to achieve success, then your opponents are just going to get bigger, ‘badder’, and meaner. On the flip side, if you believe you have to cooperate to achieve success, your friends will get bigger, stronger, and more capable. It’ll be like standing on the shoulders of giants.

Let’s be realistic here: nobody ever built an empire by themselves. They relied heavily on the strength and support of others. Just like the Pyramids of Egypt, The Great Wall of China, and the City of Rome. In fact, much of it they built using slave labour – people who did not even believe in what they were building. Do you know how many people died building these monolithic structures? They chained people up, whipped them around, and tortured them for not obeying. Can you imagine doing that to someone in today’s modern society? Perhaps not, but let me tell you… people are still practicing this behaviour. Modern day corporate bureaucracy is just a kinder form of slave labour – whips and chains are replaced with wages and contracts. There’s still a part of us that seeks to dominate others. It’s in our genes.

Survival and reproduction instinct urges us to outdo others, be stronger, smarter, richer, so we can have a higher chance of mating and passing on our genes. This is a core motivation for all the fake accent, conversation monopolizing, jargon-spouting behaviour you see at cocktail parties. Everyone’s trying to raise their social status by appearing cultured, refined, and polished. In the Stone Age human days, the guy with the highest social status was the one with the biggest club and the largest muscles. But the battlefield today has changed… Clubs are replaced with cars. Flexing muscles has been replaced with displaying intelligence. But you know what has not changed? Everyone’s still trying to prove they are better than the next guy! You can’t escape it; it’s in your blood. So perhaps you can say that your biology is not up-to-date. Your body is still running those old programs which say, “Put them in their place! Show them who’s boss! You’re the Man! You Go Girl!” But what we need is more cooperation and less confrontation.

To climb high and stand tall in today’s world, you need to overcome your biological instinct to compete, and instead, seek harmony with others, which gives you opportunity to cooperate. Learn how to make friends out of enemies; see the good in others, and win people to your side. The soft approach is the only alternative to that old caveman violence which no longer produces results. Nowadays you try to dominate others through physical force, and soon you’ll see these red flashing lights and dark blue men arrive on the scene.

You have to decide how you choose to treat others – with respect, trust, and integrity? Or with disrespect, suspicion, and deceit? This is not to say that you should blindly trust everyone… Always practice good judgment of character. Learn to read people. See past the surface and reveal the personality within. Honestly, I believe it helps to learn the Chinese Art of Face Reading – Mian Xiang. I’m a practicing face reader myself, and till today, I’m still surprised with the accuracy of this ancient skill. People with certain attitudes and behaviours, do grow to look a certain way, it’s strange. In the story of Pinnochio, whenever he tells a lie, his nose grows longer. In Chinese Mian Xiang, you can spot a liar through his zigzag nose, distorted lips, and crooked teeth. I have seen people with one or more of these characteristics, and over time I’ve watched their actions… they do lie a lot. You can also spot people who are mischievous, people with sexual promiscuities, and people who are dangerous (murderous intent). My point is… do not blindly trust everyone, but judge who you consider trustworthy. And once you find good people, treat them with respect, honour, and integrity because people can smell when you don’t trust them. There’s a saying, “Xiao Li Chang Dao” – meaning, ‘hiding a dagger behind a smile’. You don’t want people to think that’s what you are trying to do. So be congruent in the way you treat others. Don’t pretend to be gracious when meeting face-to-face, but when backs are turned, call them the enemy or the son of a dog. Even if words do not hurt, it still reflects poorly on one’s character.

Rise to the top through cooperation and strategic partnerships. Learn to read who you can trust and who you can’t. Be congruent in the way you treat others. And most importantly, overcome the inflated idea of self-importance. Conquer your ego, for we are no better and no worse than anyone else. That difference exists only in our minds. Given the right circumstances and role models, we could grow to be anything – good or evil, upright or corrupt, rich or poor. You are who you are today, largely because of the life you were born into. Each life has its own lesson and its own special purpose. So there is no point comparing your life with others because each of us must walk our own path. Look to others as role models and guiding posts, but do not become infatuated with being better than others. A more positive gauge would be to aim to be better than you are now – compete with yourself. And that is how you can get ahead without stepping on anyone’s toes.