Posted on September 6, 2008 - by Lance Ong

Love Your Enemy

Welcome back!

Sometimes life is a struggle not because of a lack of money, education, or opportunity, but simply because our human relationships are in a mess.

The strange issue is that in a society where we can become highly educated with numerous letters to our name, we still lack the fundamental education of the heart. Take for example a work-frustrated MBA holder who is doing her ‘power walk’ down the street with her suitcase and office attire. She focuses on a single point ahead and her brow is tightly furrowed. An old woman stops her and asks if she would like to buy some tissue. The executive wrinkles her nose and says, “I don’t want your dirty tissue,” then walks on with a huff.

A core reason human relationships suffer is because many people have not evolved to the point where they can appreciate other people’s lives rather than just their own. This self-centeredness makes it difficult to genuinely connect with another person.

Today I’d like to share an important belief and perceptual filter a person should develop in order to maintain better human relationships and reduce the anger or anguish in their life.

The first rule to live by is a simple one: Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet because everyone is fighting a battle of some kind.

Aren’t we all warriors in our own lives? There are always battles to be fought, fires to be put out, demons to vanquish, and obstacles to overcome. With all this fighting and struggling going on, we can’t expect everyone to be nice all the time. People get tired and frustrated. Thus it is important that you take this into consideration when you interact with others. Know that everyone struggles, everyone has their private pain; every person is simply striving to achieve their dream.

This brings us to a second understanding about human nature: All sentient beings seek to avoid pain and gain pleasure. There is a positive intention behind every behaviour.

Take for example the Sandman in the Spiderman movie. He robbed banks and hurt many people. But his intention was to get enough money to make his critically ill daughter well again. So behind the mask of a criminal… lays the heart of a good father.

Do you know anyone like that? Somebody who’s behaviour you found obnoxious, but their underlying motivation turned out to be noble?

At first glance, we can’t see the deeper reasons behind a person’s surface behaviour. Therefore it’s important to withhold our flash judgement of a person’s character based on one wrongdoing. The person simply might not know a better way to express or achieve their desire.

Jesus said, “Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.”

Normally we feel angry or hurt when we believe people are deliberately out to hurt us. But more often, they are doing something to help themselves, their cause, or those they care for.

There is an old Buddhist story about falling asleep on a wooden fishing boat. There you are, asleep in your boat, floating in the middle of a lake… when suddenly, a violent jolt shocks you from your sleep. You leap up in fury thinking, “Who’s this idiot who can’t pilot his boat properly? I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!”

Then you realize it’s just an empty boat. And suddenly you don’t feel angry anymore because nobody was deliberately out to hurt you.

Do you see the root cause here? The source of our anger comes from being self-centered. When we believe that someone wants to manipulate us or take from us, then anger is our way to protect the ego. The people with the biggest egos are the ones who are most easily angered because they believe everyone is out to cheat them or steal their idea. Even if someone takes from you, it is wise to realize that they do it not directly to hurt you… but because they are trying to care for their grandmother, provide for their children; or maybe they suffer from an insatiable desire for luxuries.

When we only know our existence as our physical self (mind and body without spirit), it becomes hard to quantify our success in life. Thus, we adopt a materially focused point of view. We start affixing the ‘my’ label to everything in this world. This is my bed, these are my clothes, my friends, my ideas, my world. This compulsion develops into a desire to possess more than others.

To be happy and carefree, you might let go of the need to have more than necessary, you could let go of the need to be better, you should let go of the ego. Everything you have in this life is on loan… you return it when you die.

The funny thing is some people take this approach: where if someone has more than I – a better looking spouse or a sleeker car – then I swear to take them down someday. I make it my personal mission to be better than them. “I’m going to show them what a piece of shit they are!”

When in reality, it’s because I feel like a piece of shit myself, thus I have to take a dump on other people’s success in order to feel better about where I am now.

So remember this vital lesson of looking beyond surface behaviour to sense the positive intention behind what people do. It will help you shift your perspective to a more objective; egoless point of view. Then you’ll find it easier not to blow your top unnecessarily. This will allow you to maintain more harmonious relationships with others, which will aid you in achieving the success you deserve.

Here is your special assignment: Now that you know everyone is on a journey, fighting a battle of some kind, be their guardian and look for ways to help your friends and family succeed. It’s a simple matter of noticing what path they are on and seeing if you can give them a lift.

Do this once a day and I guarantee you’ll wake up in the morning feeling like there is great meaning and purpose to your life…. When you can look beyond yourself and consider the dreams of others.