Competing With Others

Something about the frantic pace of today’s society… people are always trying to get ahead of one another. You can hear them say, “Outdo the other guy; be better than them… this is a dog-eat-dog world.” Some people feel that they have to prove themselves to the world. To show that they have what it takes to be great. Only then can they feel good about themselves. So they work doubly hard, constantly comparing their success to that of others. “I can run faster than you, I’m more capable, more knowledgeable, richer, better-looking, and even my dog is cuter than yours…” But have you heard the Chinese saying, “With every mountain crossed, a higher mountain awaits”? If you believe you have to beat others to achieve success, then your opponents are just going to get bigger, badder, and meaner. On the flip side, if you believe you have to cooperate to achieve success, your friends will get bigger, stronger, and more capable. It’ll be like standing on the shoulders of giants.

Let’s be realistic here: nobody ever built an empire by themself. They relied heavily on the strength and support of others. Just like the Pyramids of Egypt, The Great Wall of China, and the City of Rome. In fact, much of it they built using slave labour – people who did not even believe in what they were building. Do you know how many people died building these monolithic structures? They chained people up, whipped them around, and tortured them for not obeying. Can you imagine doing that to someone in today’s modern society? Perhaps not, but let me tell you… people are still practising this behaviour. Modern-day corporate bureaucracy is a kinder form of slave labour – whips and chains are replaced with wages and contracts. There’s still a part of us that seeks to dominate others. It’s in our genes.

Survival and reproduction instinct urges us to outdo others — be stronger, smarter, and richer, so we can have a higher chance of mating and passing on our genes. This is a core motivation for all the fake accent, conversation monopolising, jargon-spouting behaviour you see at cocktail parties. Everyone’s trying to raise their social status by appearing cultured, refined, and polished. In the Stone Age human days, the guy with the highest social status was the one with the biggest club and the largest muscles. But the battlefield today has changed…. Wooden clubs are replaced with metal cars. Flexing muscles has been replaced with displaying intelligence. But you know what has not changed? Everyone is still trying to prove that they are better than the next guy! You can’t escape it; it’s in your blood. So perhaps you can say that your biology is not up-to-date. Your body is still running those old programs which say, “Put them in their place! Show them who’s Boss! You’re the Man! You Go Girl!” But what we need is more cooperation and less confrontation.

To climb high and stand tall in today’s world, you need to overcome your biological instinct to compete, and instead, seek harmony with others, which gives you the opportunity to cooperate. Learn how to make friends out of enemies; see the good in others, and win people to your side. The soft approach is the new alternative to that old caveman violence which no longer produces results. Nowadays you try to dominate others through force, and soon you’ll see these red-blue flashing lights and dark blue officers arrive on the scene.

You have to decide how you choose to treat others – with respect, trust, and integrity? Or with disrespect, suspicion, and deceit? This is not to say that you should blindly trust everyone…. Always practice good judgment of character. Learn to read people. See past the surface and unveil the personality within. Honestly, I believe it helps to learn the Chinese Art of Face Reading – 面相 miàn xiàng. I’m a practising face reader myself, and till today, I’m still surprised with the accuracy of this ancient skill. People with certain attitudes and behaviours, do grow to look a certain way… it’s strange. In the story of Pinnochio, whenever he tells a lie, his nose grows longer. In Chinese Face Reading or 面相 miàn xiàng, you can spot a liar through his zigzag nose, distorted lips, and crooked teeth. I have seen people with one or more of these characteristics, and over time I’ve watched their actions… they do lie a lot. You can also spot people who are mischievous, people with sexual promiscuities, and people who are dangerous (murderous intent). My point is… do not blindly trust everyone, but judge who you consider trustworthy. And once you find good people, treat them with respect, honour, and integrity because people can smell when you don’t trust them. There’s a Chinese saying, “笑里藏刀 xiào lî cáng dāo” – meaning, ‘hiding a dagger behind a smile’. You don’t want people to think that’s what you are trying to do. So be congruent in the way you treat others. Don’t pretend to be gracious when meeting face-to-face, but when backs are turned, call them the enemy or the son of a dog. Even if words do not hurt, it still reflects poorly one’s character.

Rise to the top through cooperation and strategic partnerships. Learn to read who you can trust and who you can’t. Be congruent in the way you treat others. And most importantly, overcome the inflated idea of self-importance. You don’t want to be demonstrating your high culture and refined-ness at a cocktail party in front of 20 hot women, but when backs are turned… people say, “This guy’s idea of oral sex is bragging about himself.”

We must conquer our ego and know when to toot our own horn at the right time, but not all the time! Be humble most of the time and tell people the amazing things which are true about yourself. Do not lie.

Look to others as role models and guiding posts, but do not become infatuated with being better than others. A more positive gauge would be to aim to be better than you are now – compete with yourself. And that is how you can get ahead without stepping on anyone’s toes.